Separation anxiety is a common and normal fear that children have of being away from their families. A developmentally appropriate level of separation anxiety is a sign of the close attachment between children and their families and tends to lessen with age. As children become older most develop a separate sense of self, so better understand that their families will return. They’re quite often happy playing within a short time of their family leaving. Over time, most children learn to feel safe in their new surroundings and gradually experience less separation anxiety (BeYou). However, if the anxiety becomes excessive, it can interfere with the child’s daily functioning and learning . If your child is struggling to say goodbye to you at school drop off, it is often due to their inability to regulate their emotions, this is referred to as dysregulation. In extreme circumstances they can “flip their lid” and their brain moves to survival mode. When they have reached this point, they need support to co-regulate. At this stage co-regulation may involve a physical interaction such as a cuddle, or repeated positive verbal language “it’s going to be ok” “you’ve got this”.
To prevent or reduce the likelihood that your child will “flip their lid” it is important to think proactively. First and foremost, set up the day in a positive manner. Our children can sense our emotions, no matter how hard we try to hide them. Take a minute to regulate yourself, remind yourself that you’ve got this, and your child will be fine. Set up a morning routine just for the two of you. It could be a kiss, high five and a positive phrase or code word just the two of you understand. Ask the teacher to get involved after your routine maybe with a high five or thumbs up, this forms a solid connection, and the child knows that you are all in this together. Another thing to consider is that prolonged goodbyes can actually make it more difficult for your child, keep it simple and consistent.
If you are still concerned, get in contact with your child’s teacher for a chat, speak to them about the morning routine and your child’s triggers. For example, are they entering a busy classroom that they are struggling to cope in? Could they arrive in the room 5 minutes earlier? Is your child feeling overwhelmed by the options of activities in the morning, could they do a job each morning? Is there a buddy they could sit with to start an activity together? Is there a regulation room they can enter each morning with a parent? Is your child struggling with their executive functioning skills (being organised)? Maybe an individual morning routine would be useful, allowing your child to tick off what they need to do when they enter the room.
Remember all children are different and some will take longer to settle into a new year in a new classroom with new peers, new teachers and new routines.
If you are still worried about your child, contact the school’s wellbeing co-ordinator or make an appointment with your GP to discuss further options.
Danni Giro on behalf of the Education and Wellbeing Committee
Wellbeing Co-ordinator UPS
danni.giro125@schools.sa.edu.au